This post has been a long time coming. I think I’ve been waiting until I could write it with some kind of resolution or blissful hindsight in order to end it with a little bit of hope and clarity. Maybe it’s because I’ve been waiting until I felt anything other than lost and confused and afraid. Maybe I was just procrastinating.
I’m sure you all know I’ve been feeling less than myself for a while now – when I think about it it’s been about a year and a half – and it all began when I developed some health issues which then in turn triggered my anxiety. I spent almost the entirety of last year depressed. I started in December 2015 and lingered until perhaps September 2016, but then Christmas happened and my symptoms got a hell of a lot worse and it all started all over again. Sometimes, when I’m at my most vulnerable, I wonder if this is going to be my life: an endless circle of poor health and depression then a brief respite and then depression again.
On the whole, my mental health is beginning to sort itself out. I’m in therapy now and although it’s exhausting me, I can feel it working, ever so slowly. I’m actually able to leave the house now, and although I can’t go out for long at least I’m out, ya know?
The thing is I still feel like I’m running on 50%. I still don’t feel well. At this point, my mind seems stronger than my body, which I feel lets me down every day. Whenever my mind is convinced I’m able to have a ‘normal’ day and eat the things I used to and go out for as long as I want to my body bites back and can’t handle it. I’m often left frustrated, angry and just really, really sad. I feel like my own body is betraying me, robbing me of the life I used to and want to live. The urge for self-punishment and self-harm is sometimes difficult to repress, and although I don’t cut anymore I have taken to pulling my hair. I really wish I wouldn’t but sometimes I’m so angry with my body that I just want to hurt it.
As I’m sure you can gather, self-care has completely gone out of the window. I’m not taking the best care of myself, which is making both my physical health and mental health worse and pushes me into a vicious circle that it takes me weeks to get out of. I’m getting better at coping, with help from my family and my therapist, but it’s hard.
My passion and love for blogging and writing has vanished, and sometimes I get so anxious and afraid that the thought of someone else reading my words and looking at my photographs is overwhelming. I rarely post on Instagram, it takes me five attempts to write a simple Tweet and my blog scheduling is all over the place. I haven’t felt quite right since the end of Blogmas and I’ve just been carrying on hoping it’ll pass, but it hasn’t. At this point I’m trying to let things go, because with the therapy and the daily pain & discomfort and the endless attempts at going outside, I don’t have the energy or capacity to do anything else.
This isn't going to be the end of What Lauren Did Today. This is just an explanation as to what’s been happening with me, why my posts (on here and social media) have been so sporadic and why this random posting schedule might continue. I’m just going to post as and when I can/feel like it, and I hope it’ll be enough.
I know these feelings are going to pass, it's just taking more time and effort than I originally anticipated. But, as my mum keeps reminding me, it'll take as long as it takes and all I have to do is keep going. xx