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Saturday, 22 April 2017

Recovery.


This post has been a long time coming. I think I’ve been waiting until I could write it with some kind of resolution or blissful hindsight in order to end it with a little bit of hope and clarity. Maybe it’s because I’ve been waiting until I felt anything other than lost and confused and afraid. Maybe I was just procrastinating.

I’m sure you all know I’ve been feeling less than myself for a while now – when I think about it it’s been about a year and a half – and it all began when I developed some health issues which then in turn triggered my anxiety. I spent almost the entirety of last year depressed. I started in December 2015 and lingered until perhaps September 2016, but then Christmas happened and my symptoms got a hell of a lot worse and it all started all over again. Sometimes, when I’m at my most vulnerable, I wonder if this is going to be my life: an endless circle of poor health and depression then a brief respite and then depression again.
On the whole, my mental health is beginning to sort itself out. I’m in therapy now and although it’s exhausting me, I can feel it working, ever so slowly. I’m actually able to leave the house now, and although I can’t go out for long at least I’m out, ya know?
The thing is I still feel like I’m running on 50%. I still don’t feel well. At this point, my mind seems stronger than my body, which I feel lets me down every day. Whenever my mind is convinced I’m able to have a ‘normal’ day and eat the things I used to and go out for as long as I want to my body bites back and can’t handle it. I’m often left frustrated, angry and just really, really sad. I feel like my own body is betraying me, robbing me of the life I used to and want to live. The urge for self-punishment and self-harm is sometimes difficult to repress, and although I don’t cut anymore I have taken to pulling my hair. I really wish I wouldn’t but sometimes I’m so angry with my body that I just want to hurt it.
As I’m sure you can gather, self-care has completely gone out of the window. I’m not taking the best care of myself, which is making both my physical health and mental health worse and pushes me into a vicious circle that it takes me weeks to get out of. I’m getting better at coping, with help from my family and my therapist, but it’s hard.
My passion and love for blogging and writing has vanished, and sometimes I get so anxious and afraid that the thought of someone else reading my words and looking at my photographs is overwhelming. I rarely post on Instagram, it takes me five attempts to write a simple Tweet and my blog scheduling is all over the place. I haven’t felt quite right since the end of Blogmas and I’ve just been carrying on hoping it’ll pass, but it hasn’t. At this point I’m trying to let things go, because with the therapy and the daily pain & discomfort and the endless attempts at going outside, I don’t have the energy or capacity to do anything else.
This isn't going to be the end of What Lauren Did Today. This is just an explanation as to what’s been happening with me, why my posts (on here and social media) have been so sporadic and why this random posting schedule might continue. I’m just going to post as and when I can/feel like it, and I hope it’ll be enough. 
I know these feelings are going to pass, it's just taking more time and effort than I originally anticipated. But, as my mum keeps reminding me, it'll take as long as it takes and all I have to do is keep going. xx

10 comments:

  1. Wishing you the very best. Anxiety is no fun and lately I've had my fair share of panic/anxiety attacks. Remember that you always have us here on the blog for you!<33

    VEGETARIAN COURTESYFACEBOOK

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  2. I'm sad to hear you're still feeling this way - it's a terrible thing to have to go through and feeling like you haven't got control over your thoughts and physical feelings can be really frustrating and disheartening!

    You're on the right track though and you should be proud of how far you've come and the changes you're about to make! Even though it doesn't feel like it now, just wanting to recover, and the fact that you're fighting your depression and seeing a therapist and keep trying at getting outside and blogging and things - these are big steps that show that there's most definitely hope and you will get through this and out the other side!

    I wish I could give some magic advice to make it go away - but all I'd say is to take a day and a time, that's what helped me get through one of the most difficult times in my life - just a day at a time and baby steps and soon they'll get easier and your thoughts and mind will start to brighten!

    Hope you feel better soon lovely! Keep talking - it definitely helps!

    JosieVictoriaa // Fashion, Travel & Lifestyle

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  3. Oh lovely I'm so sad to hear this. I know how hard it can be at times and blogging will be the last thing on your mind. Just remember it's one single step at a time, I hope you're feeling better real soon!
    Jen, Velvet Spring. xo

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  4. Wishing you the best. As much as I love reading your posts on here, your physical and mental health is the most important thing, so try not to stress over things like blogging and social media. They will always be here for you to come back to. I hope things improve soon ❤️

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  5. So sorry you've been feeling this unwell, but glad to hear you're seeing some hope through therapy. It sounds like you're doing incredibly well, try to be kind to yourself and remember your achievements when you're feeling low. Don't worry about blogging, you can come back to it anytime xx

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  6. Sending you all my love Lauren. Prioritise seeing your therapist regularly and try not to focus on the element of 'time'. It sounds like you're already making some great progress! And don't worry about social media and blogging (lord knows it's a bloody minefield at the moment!), it'll be here whenever you're back here. As always, I'm an email away should you need it (:

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  7. It upsets me to hear you are in a bad place at the moment. Don't be putting pressure on yourself to keep others happy (with blogging etc) we will most def always be here waiting to hear from you. YOU are important and make sure to be kind to yourself and celebrate the small achievements in life. I'm incredibly proud of you and you are so strong for fighting this horrible blur that is depression. Keep your head up high, and make sure to drop me a text if you need a chat :)

    xx

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  8. I can definitely relate to this. Especially that feeling of; is this how my life is going to be now? An endless circle? I've definitely felt that before, on more than one occasion. Just put yourself first, and do whatever you need to do to feel okay again. You'll get there, but it's a journey. x www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk x

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  9. Sending you lots of love and wishing you all the best ♥ xx

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  10. It's okay Lauren take as long as you need, we'll still be here supporting you. I'm sending you so much love and positivity, as you said yourself; it will pass, it will get better. Just try and take it a day at a time, then when you have good days, you can cherish them so much more and then one day you'll wake up and realise you've had 2 good days in a row and the 3 and then 4 and then a week and it will just keep getting better. I hope those good days are just around the corner for you!

    Marbl☾☽Moon

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